The Daily Joke
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Finally, the recipe....
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Send to friendI knew it......I knew it!
I knew they would finally release the ingredients in Viagra!
3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat
Straight forward Doctor (if you are gay don`t read this)
Printer-friendly versionSend to friendRay is Gay.
He goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush.
You have AIDS.'
Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?'
'Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice'.
Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'
Doc says, 'No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for'.
Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.
Printer-friendly versionSend to friend He decides to test it at dinner.
"Son, where were you today?"
The son says "at school dad."
Robot slaps the son!
"Ok, I watched a dvd at my friend’s house!"
"What dvd?""Toy story."
Robot slaps the son again!
"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.
"What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son.
"Robot slaps the mom.
SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?
Printer-friendly versionSend to friendHAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?
MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL ..
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE .
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED FACED,
FAT-ASSED,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
SON-OF-A-BITCH
ASKED ME,
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???
"Do you like pussy cats?"
Printer-friendly versionSend to friendA widowed lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally
deserted beach at Ft. Myers . She looked up and noticed that a man her
age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand
near hers and began reading a book..
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book..
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and
turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it
is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.
Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered, and again he resumed
reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like
pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off
her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
"I haven't left my house in days.
Printer-friendly versionSend to friend"I haven't left my house in days. I watch the news channels incessantly.
All the news stories are about the election;
All the commercials are for Viagra and Cialis.
Election, erection, election, erection - - either way it's about getting screwed!" - -
The Most Important Discoveries
Printer-friendly versionSend to friendThe Most Important Discoveries
Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.
Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man has never recovered.
This is an important medical alert for seniors...................
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All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Italian gentleman named Guido and a blonde
Printer-friendly versionSend to friendA virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when
he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk,
they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and r eplied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and
there were screams of passion..
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman
yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming,
bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes,
smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."
Start using your Capitals
Printer-friendly versionSend to friendIn the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and
more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of using Capital Letters.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note
of the following statement: (read carefully)
"Capitalization is the difference between helping
Jack off his horse OR helping jack off his horse."
Is everybody clear on that?
Start using your Capitals.
