February 2001                                                     The Megaphone                                                                   Page 6

Saint Valentines . . . ???

by Pat (Conley) Kimmerling

                

   In researching St. Valentine, I've found that there may have been as many as sixty-eight of them. What they all had in common was that they lived in the latter half of the Third Century A.D., and none of them died of natural causes. They were all killed in extremely unpleasant ways.

   That, of course, was a prerequisite for sainthood in those ancient times. You would have thought that by then mothers would have taken that into consideration before naming their offspring "Saint" anything, but I suppose some things never change. It is like mothers nowadays who give their children names like "Quincy" or "Dexter," blissfully ignoring the fact that this will insure that the poor boys will get the stuffing beat out of them on a regular basis all the way through grade school. But of all the multitudes loitering around in the Third Century, there were three really important ones, each of whom died on Feb. 14, somewhere around A.D. 270.

   One of them was a Roman priest who was persecuted under the reign of Emperor Claudius the Goth. Because he was a Goth, Emperor Claudius had decreed that Roman soldiers could not get married. I don't mean to each other, I mean to Roman women. If any of you have spent any time around Goths, you know that this is just the kind of arbitrary decree a Goth would make. At any rate, this particular St. Valentine went ahead and married many of these Roman couples until he was finally beheaded on Feb. 14, which more or less convinced him to stop.

   Another St. Valentine was a young man who helped Romans explore completely legal tax loopholes during the Goth administration, and was finally imprisoned. While in prison, this St. Valentine sent little postcards to his friends saying, "I love you," and "Roses are red and violets are blue, my feet are in shackles and the gruel here stinks." Possibly, because of these cards, this St. Valentine was clubbed to death on Feb. 14.

   The third St. Valentine, like the other two, wound up in prison. The books are all unclear as to what he did, but I am sure he was guilty of serious Christian activities which Claudius, the Goth took exception to. While in prison, this St. Valentine fell in love with the jailer's daughter, who had been blind since birth. I personally prefer this St. Valentine because he prayed for the jailer's daughter, and she was healed. On (you guessed it) St. Valentine III, sent the girl a note which was signed "Your Valentine." I do not know how he expected the young lady to read the note since she had been blind her whole life, but that is probably not important. As I understand it, he would be hers 'til the day he died, which as it turned out, did not give them very much time. That very morning, he was clubbed, beheaded, and just to insure he didn't show up later in the afternoon, firing off even more annoying little heart-shaped notes, they separated him into several little parts.

   Some of the lesser St. Valentines who died on Feb. 14, were killed by poisoning, some by having large boulders dropped on their heads, and some by strangulation. One was drowned at breakfast in a bowl of porridge by his brother-in-law while trying to find a rhyme for "biscuit." I'm sure his brother-in-law was in cahoots with the Goths, somehow. If you do not admire any of the St. Valentines I mentioned, I'm sure you can do a little research and come up with one more to your liking.  The history books are full of them. Just remember, if yours died at 80 with arterial sclerosis, he was an impostor.

       

So there you have your romantic St. Valentine's legends. I have no doubt each and every one of them is true.

    

Happy St. Valentine's Day!
Pat (Conley) Kimmerling '56

Not Seen . . . for Decades

   When the Elwood Theatre became a complete loss due to a fire, it led to a sight not seen in decades.

   Several buildings were torn down in the clean-up and when the dust had settled, the outside west wall of the building on the NW corner of 16th & Main Street became visible for the first time in decades. Only scant inches separated it from the adjoining buildings. Many people noticed and stopped to take photos of the advertising painted on that wall. I have some slides of it myself.

     

  But Ted Pedro '60 sent in this view that I've scanned and provided for those who have yet to see it. It's attracted quite a crowd over the days since the demolition of the other buildings.

    


 MAIL POUCH, of course!

   While we're at it, here is a scan of an Elwood Telephone Directory from 1954.

           

to Page 7