Megaphone -- Page 4

When do I get equal time? I am absolutely more loved that any smelly old dog. What do they do? Slobber all over you? Bring you a very moist ball to throw for the hundredth time? Sit when you tell them too? Make you carry plastic bags when you walk?

I am definitely more important than a cat whose fur makes a lot of people sneeze. What do they do? Ignore you? Don’t come when you call them? We don’t even need to mention the litter box and what you have to scoop out of there!

Just think. What is the absolutely best pet in the world? See that wasn’t too hard, was it? A bird. And not just any bird will do. A bird like me.

Let me introduce myself. My name is Frazier Crane and I am a female, 19-year-old, Yellow-naped Amazon [Parrot]. I have lived with my favorite person since I was 3 months old and I was hand-raised. I am drop dead gorgeous and I have very few faults.

I never shed. I molt. I eat fruit and vegetables and seed and I love people food. I poop an interesting shade of green stuff in itty-bitty piles and I do it on paper. And it does not smell!

I sing songs, I love opera!! And if you have a birthday, my rendition of "Happy Bird Day" to you is an instant hit with all my fans. And the little kiddies all know the words to my favorite song "Rock-a-Bye Birdie."

I’ll play Peek-A-Boo with you. I’ll talk to you when you are lonely. I love to perform for an audience.

I call my dog. His name is Joe Beegle. He comes and sits by my cage. I growl, he barks and gets into trouble. I yell "Someone at the door" and he barks, then I tell him to "Shut up!" and he gets confused. Since this happens every day, it should not surprise him. Personally, I think he is a few rocks shy of a full load.

I had a cat for 12 years. She would meow for her food. So I took over for her when she got too old and feeble. "Meow, feed the cat." "Meow, feed the cat." Now that old cat I could tolerate because she hid whenever I came out of my cage. I think she was afraid of me. Just because I bit her one time.

Now, let me tell you something very important about parrots. You should never buy one because you love to hear them talk. Be aware that we live a very long life. In fact, my owner has put me in her will so that I will be cared for if she goes first. I can live to the ripe old age of 65 and I act like a 2-year most of the time. (We won’t talk about s-e-x-u-a-l maturity and the effect that Spring has on us.)

OK, now I’ve had my say. It was very nice to meet you and tell you a little about myself.

Bye-Bye,

Frazier